I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
