I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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