the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
