everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
