She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize