Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
