I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
