So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you had me at cake vodka
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
