Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
