a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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