I need to stop coming to work sober
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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