things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe