I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.