when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
