if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
