they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
