were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
