Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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