He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
