Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
