he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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