Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
