Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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