I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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