My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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