I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
