i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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