dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
God, I missed his penis.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
