apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
