I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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