I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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