I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
