i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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