And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
