I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
