On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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