I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
home. puking in laundry basket.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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