so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
