yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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