you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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