those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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