Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
