i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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