So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
