You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
