someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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