i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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