If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
