i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
