I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
