I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
