Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
